awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
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Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.