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I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.