My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
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Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*