There’s never enough good news
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Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”