A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
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a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now