good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
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Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF