Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
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My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
That de-escalated quickly
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday