I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
You Might Also Like
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.