just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
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sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.