My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
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I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday