Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
You Might Also Like
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.