*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
You Might Also Like
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.