*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
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whatcha thinkin bout
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
crying
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists