Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
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(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
How I’d get arrested…
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”