DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
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me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy