Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
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Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.