I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
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Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.