Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
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13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
That’s it.I’m out.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
#dnd #ttrpg
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.