I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
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Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..