#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
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Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
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Me: Same
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.