“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
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HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO