If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
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Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
I can fix him.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time