casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
You Might Also Like
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
My teenage children choosing violence
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.