In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
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Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Why soy sad?
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
plant them where lol
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.