I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
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sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.