[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
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When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed