I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
You Might Also Like
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Thrilling chase underway
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.