I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
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Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew