Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
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me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
who did the taste test?
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*