[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
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Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Confused owl: What?!
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…