If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
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ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!