Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
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I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
The Sun
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass