ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
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Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
What’s so funny?
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”