Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
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Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
2023 was just a warmup
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.