Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
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My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.