Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
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maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?