Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
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*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
😬
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Word!
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana