Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
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What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.