Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
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Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
“Sheer Arrogance”
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids