Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
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Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Feels
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Botany good plants lately?
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.