How it started: How it’s going:
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Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it