My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
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Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.