How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
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Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.