Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
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ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
The Weeknd is back