If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
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If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t