In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
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Cats (2019)
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Batman v Dracula
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency