“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
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Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Interior design 👌
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze