I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
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who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Basically.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.