Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
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Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.