My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
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Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
incredible book dedication
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
mmm onion ringos
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Ha
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.